Dear 5 Years Ago...

Dear 5 Years Ago,

I just want you to know how proud I am of you. There's a lot of things going on for you right now, but you're being brave enough to admit there's a struggle, and you're getting help. Your future self really appreciates that.

There are bullies in your life right now, disguised as friends and family. They're hurting you, in ways you didn't even know were possible. They are messing with your brain and making you think you're not worth anything. I'm sorry, that's a feeling that's not gonna go away for years to come, and you're going to carry the emotional scars forever. But you know what? Those people won't stick around. Just wait two years; they'll be gone, and you'll have better friends than you ever felt you deserved. They'll care, they'll support and comfort you, they'll go all out for your birthdays and offer their shoulders to cry on before you even realise you need them. Just hang on.

School feels impossible right now, doesn't it? So many high expectations, so much to compete with. But that'll go away. In four years time, you'll be acting at university. Yes, it'll be hard. You'll be sore, you'll have sleepless nights trying to get your research in and some days you'll want to collapse from the strain your body's going through. But you'll love it, and the teachers won't stress that you'll fail without a first, they'll just want you to do your best. They'll talk to you. They'll explain things you don't understand without looking down on you. You'll feel the stress of a grammar school melt away and be amazed at the 2:1s you'll get in your first year.

You're isolated, I know. Your sexuality is so new to you, and there's so much to understand without anyone to explain it. Your interests don't match anyone else's either, and you feel so alone. That'll change too. Three years from now, you'll be in Annie, singing show tunes with your friends between rehearsals. They'll all applaud, hug you and wish you happy 18th birthday, giving you your first bottle of wine, and a card with all their personal messages inside. You'll cry, but from the sheer joy of finally feeling like you have a family, and that card will go on your wall to remind you. Three years from now, you'll meet your heroes at a convention; people you've looked up to your entire teenage life. They'll encourage your aspirations, commend your devotion and be impressed by your obsessions, not shun them. Four years from now, you'll move onto a floor with people who love you. They'll laugh at your antics, sing along with your songs, sit in the corridor with you and chat into the night, and come to you when they feel lost. You'll have a home, and surrounded by people who love you.

Right now, you feel ashamed that you turned to counselling. You'll try and hide it, and withdraw if friends ask questions. But in a year or two, you'll wear it as a badge of honour. You'll keep using the techniques, and get control of your emotions. You won't cry yourself to sleep at night because there's no one there to talk to. Getting everything out there so you can admit it, so you can comes to terms with it will make you a stronger, more confident person. Even if you're scared on the inside, on the outside you'll be the confident, smiling girl your mum misses (and you'll be closer to her than ever). And in three years, you'll have so much confidence that you'll take charge of 20 Cubs for a whole evening. They'll hang on your every word, and the parents will praise you for your responsibility.

You feel heartbroken, don't you? Like someone's ripped it up in front of you and crushed it under their boot. Like there's a hole in your chest and you're just going through the motions. But don't worry. Six months from now, you'll fall in love. Real love. It'll be hard going, and sometimes the distance will kill you, but you'll know that despite that there's someone out there who loves you and the slowly repairing person you are. You'll chat late into the night, and early in the morning. You'll send each other gifts and talk for hours on Valentine's Day. You'll smile when you see her picture or her name with a little green dot on skype. You'll feel proud that this girl chose you out of everyone, and you'll forget all the heartache you're suffering now because you'll know that people who really love you would never hurt you like this; they'll protect you instead.


It hurts Livy, and it won't stop hurting. Not for years. Five years from now, you'll start slipping again and these old anxieties will rear their head and try to consume you. But you know what? It'll be different then. You'll look back on now and realise that if you could get through it all now and come out a confident, outgoing, self-assured woman, then you can damn well do it again.

All my love to long ago
2016.